NSFDD (not safe for delicate disposition)
I've been chastised by relatives and friends for not updating the blog enough. So I thought I'd share some of my gnarlier (dude) cancer-treatment-induced incidents. Most are potty related, but not all are about human waste (promise.)
(If you hear the tune from Sound of Music, "These are a few of My Favorite Things," you'll need to roll thru the "most embarrassing" a bit quickly - do I know most of my audience or what? And if you're Chris Tso, Steve Read, Ryan Bouslaugh or Steve Spalding, I'll try to find a Robin Trower song instead ;), perhaps Bridge of Embarrassing Things, or my favorite misheard song (Deep Purple) which Chris kindly corrected me wasn't actually "Blind"Woman from Tokyo (it's "My" Woman - but even Ian Gillian can't remember his lyrics.) Frankly I think "Blind" is a far cooler lyric!
Now I do have to share, I take exception with certain things - like why aren't the word police trying to change the pronunciation of Em-Bare-Ass-ing, as they've somewhat successfully changed harassment and Uranus so we are no longer able to be giggly kids getting to say what used to be funny-naughty? I never got the memo, so I prefer the old-fashioned way in these cases. Oh the humanity!
And if you're British, I definitely prefer saying "uh-loom-ih-num."
Worst moment occurred twice, but THANK THE UNIVERSE I was home.
Mix - coming out of 10 full head radiation treatments, and having brain surgery ... Me in sweatpants and a wheelchair needing to reach a toilet urgently. I left the chair at the top of the two steps up to the living room, and balanced with both arms stretched to each wall in the hallway (benefit of height) and just not making it in time, of course immediately my sweats filled with grossness. Yeah that happened twice...
Flying overnight to Hawaii with Ki. The weather was hot there, so I wore a pair of light thinner fabric chinos (yeah, this kinda sets itself up), and I had a window seat. All of a sudden it's starting to feel as I might need to urinate, so I slowly make my way to the back to use the plane torture potties. And what? Both are occupied for a while, and just before one opens, about 20% of what I need to vacate from bladder decides it's waited long enough and I now have a lovely & obvious wet spot. I managed to get relatively well cleaned up, but those bathrooms barely fit a sink, mirror and toilet, so maybe I missed the miniwashing machine in my moment of panic... Then comes the walk of shame back to my seat. Fortunately I wasn't looked at much, as passengers face fwd and I was coming from the back, but I'd guess with my compromised balance, it wasn't altogether unnoticed. I was horrified the couple sitting in my row would see (and judge, like it matters) but they moved out of the row and I turned my back to them and hurried to the window seat and placed magazines on my lap before starting to read. And thank goodness the air on board planes tends towards the drier side. By the time we were landing, all visual evidence had gone.
When my brain was operated on, and the surgeon removed the largest tumor, I had to spend a few days in the hospital (I'd hoped for an out-patient option... Cut scoop and sew!) and I had been taking an anti-seizure medication called Keppra. I had a handful of seizures around that time (of course all at opportune moments - I still haven't gone back to a certain super good restaurant called The Original Breakfast in Albany where I passed out and seized.
Back to the point, it was late at night after the surgery, and I was recovering for a few days in the hospital (no cable humph!) one of the assistant nurses came in, and wanted to draw blood etc., but I didn't know her. I pretty well freaked out on her and pushed the call button a few times. (This is why I won't take Keppra nor Dilantin again.) The nurses assistant was nice, even though I kept saying "I have no idea who you are!" Ki had gone to grab a snack, and I was imaging this sweet lady from Africa with some facial scarring was a patient from the mental ward posing as an assistant nurse. How stupid is that?
Needles to say, I found myself apologizing a few times, as I felt complete and total chagrin (like totally - dude), and she was kind enough to say she should have been introduced by either the nurse or the assistant nurse whose shift was over. I'm very lucky she stayed assigned to me so I might be able to make amends. That kind of memory can linger with me, and it was important to give her a better impression of me (I know, brain salad surgery and meds can be blamed, but in the end she took great care of me, and I'm happy to have been in her care.
I will say there are 3 things I'm extremely proud of:
1 - My great partner Ki whom I love more each day.
2 - My amazingly supportive family.
3 - Still being here, and fighting to live and love.
Okay funny photo moment:
I realize it's past Mother's Day, but it's still close enough, so Anyone still reading who's a mother or just a bad mama jama ;), thank you for your continued interest, love and support!
